


gentle cravings

by pelita



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Insecurities, Longing, M/M, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Sakusa and Komori are best friends, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27300121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pelita/pseuds/pelita
Summary: Kiyoomi's former captain had graduated, and he didn't know how to deal with his absence.
Relationships: Iizuna Tsukasa/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Komori Motoya & Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	gentle cravings

**Author's Note:**

> hi !!! today, for angst week, i bring you some more sakusuffer !!! *evil laughs* 
> 
> thank u for clicking on this fic !!! please read the content warnings down below, none of it is too heavy but still, it's always good to be more careful :)
> 
> cw: very brief descriptions of wanting to pull out hair and picking skin, insecurities.

Third-year high school didn't have a great start for Sakusa Kiyoomi. 

The absence of someone was such a small but significant change in his life. For the first time in his life, he felt like there was too much space in the commuter train. It was an odd feeling for someone who had always hated crowds for the entire span of his life. But he couldn't help it, all the recent train rides just felt so wrong. The space near him should neither be empty nor filled by a figure so foreign to him.

Volleyball had always been a built-in routine in his carefully organized life—a routine he very much enjoyed following. It was different from the others; it wasn't something that felt like a mere obligation. He found deep pleasure in engaging himself in the sport. So when practices started to lose their color—rapidly becoming more and more washed out, _what was he supposed to do?_

To shake the missing sweet honey voice resonating through the sweaty court, and the pair of hazel eyes glistening through Kiyoomi's storms, it seemed impossible. No more of those gentle tugs on the sleeve of his neon jersey; no more of the toothy grin transferring heat onto his pale cheeks. No more of Kiyoomi's primary source of light. 

No more Iizuna Tsukasa.

Kiyoomi's former captain had graduated, and he didn't know how to deal with his absence.

"Oh, it's Sakusa-san"

"Sakusa-san."

"Captain."

His juniors greeted him as he strode into the volleyball court. To be held by him, the title didn't exactly feel fitting.

Captain.

_Captain._

That was him. Sakusa Kiyoomi, captain of the Itachiyama Academy Volleyball Club. The expectations were high, especially after having an excellent captain and losing in the interhigh from the previous year. He wasn't just a top spiker now—constantly under the pressure to maintain the reputation of his name. He was also a captain of a team that was expected to win against all the other strong opponents.

_I'm sorry, Iizuna-san. There's no way I'll ever be as good as you._

Not now, not ever. The title wasn't made for someone like Kiyoomi. He would drown and suffocate himself from the lack of oxygen before he could be satisfied. He was nothing like Iizuna. Iizuna Tsukasa; eyes bright, cheerful smile, and always knowing the right words to say no matter the situation. 

Kiyoomi could never be like him. But he _could_ try to be another version of him that others might accept as a leader.

Kiyoomi lifted his chin and stretched his shoulders open. "Alright everyone, it's time to start our warmups."

On one sunny day, his fears have finally been confirmed. 

Kiyoomi finished the last of his classes, and his feet naturally took him to the direction of the volleyball court. He was about to turn the corner when he heard it—the illicit whispers of his name. He froze and leaned against the protection of the wall.

"Sakusa-san? He's good but I think I like Iizuna-san better as a captain."

"Yeah, me too, Sakusa-san's way too terrifying honestly. Why did he get chosen as captain, anyway? I think the other third years would be much better than him."

"Don't know, maybe it—"

A voice, a much louder voice interrupted the eavesdropped conversation. "Kiyoomi?"

Kiyoomi opened his eyes to the sight of Motoya standing in front of him—an expression of worry was displayed clearly across his face.

"Motoya."

"What are you doing?" Motoya's gaze shifted to the left; to where his two juniors should be standing. "Are you... alright?"

Kiyoomi felt his heart pounding against his chest. His hand was clutching tightly onto the handle of his duffel bag. 

_Calm down. Calm down. Calm down._

He took a deep breath and gathered up all his remaining courage. He took a quick peek from the corner of the wall, and immediately, he was met by two pairs of eyes boring intently into his. Those were the same pairs who talked ill over his title as a captain a few moments ago.

He closed his eyes again, and he focused his mind to grasp onto Motoya's existence who always told him to ignore any kind of words that were unpleasant to his ears.

"Yes," Sakusa breathes out, "I'm fine."

Three months and Kiyoomi finally felt like he was _almost_ over his longing for Iizuna Tsukasa.

That was when the unforeseeable catastrophe came.

It started in between the bookshelves of a peaceful library, where he chose to spend the lunch break alone. He loved peaceful spaces and the smell of old books. It reminded him of his childhood, the days where he would spend hours reading books inside his mother's house office. The silence between them was always the most comfortable one in his life.

Kiyoomi had never been a social butterfly, to begin with. Most times, he would spend his lunch break with Motoya and a friend or two. Other times, when his social battery wasn't yet charged, he would rather hide in the library just like this—to either study, finish schoolwork, or read a book.

This time, he was preparing for an important test coming up. Physics, or to be more specific, the horrendous topic of electromagnetic inductions.

His textbook was opened, sitting on the table in front of him, and he had been stuck on the same question for the past ten minutes. He fished out his phone from his pocket for a quick break. Perhaps he wasn't able to find the answer because his brain was too fried.

Breaks were important, Kiyoomi knew that more than anyone else.

He scrolled through the feed of his social media, and his fingers halted to a stop when he came across one picture.

It was Iizuna. He was in a place that seemed like a cafe, where the sunlight was directed to his golden skin. The toothy grin was wide and clear, and his hair looked freshly cut. _He looked beautiful_. But unfortunately, that wasn't the reason why Kiyoomi's heart clenched in pain.

Sitting beside Iizuna was a woman—a beautiful woman with luscious dark hair that reached past her shoulders. Kiyoomi couldn't see her face clearly. That was because she wasn't facing the camera. She was facing Iizuna with her lips pressed against his cheeks; her hands wrapped around his waist.

Kiyoomi scrolled down to the comment section and saw the rows of congratulatory messages.

_Oh._

_No._ He wasn't supposed to feel like this. He didn't deserve to feel like this. He should have felt nothing but happiness for the former captain he adored so much. 

_What was this feeling?_ Sadness, rage, and jealousy all mashed up into one.

Kiyoomi hated it. He hated the feeling very much.

The practice that day became quite different from the usual, and that was all because of Kiyoomi.

He didn't allow his body to stop moving. There was no point in resting his body, not when his mind was constantly sucking every bit of energy he had. He refused to let his thought spiral into a tornado and wreck all his focus. He might have been a tragedy when it came to feelings. _But please,_ he prayed to all the existing gods up in the sky, _don't ever let anything touch my skill in volleyball._

He started early, already doing bumps before the other club members even arrived. He asked the setter, his junior, to toss more balls for him to spike. He practiced his serves while others were sitting down to take a break. 

He did everything, _anything_ , to prevent his mind from thinking.

"I think that's enough, Kiyoomi," said Motoya, after receiving too much of Kiyoomi's dreadful serves. The sun no longer existed in the sky, and no other people were present in the sweaty court.

"A little more," Kiyoomi insisted as he grabbed another ball from the metal storage. Exhaustion was taking a toll on him. He took a moment to steady his breaths before backing away from the lines to prepare for his run-up.

"No, we've had enough. Overworking won't do you any good, you know that," Motoya raised his voice and yelled out from the other side of the court. He seemed frustrated when he walked towards the bench to sit down and rest his muscles.

Kiyoomi occupied the space beside him, and then they were engulfed in silence.

Motoya was the first one to break it. "Is everything okay, Kiyoomi?" 

Kiyoomi hesitated. "Yeah."

"Don't lie to me"—Motoya shifted in order to be facing Kiyoomi—"You're acting really weird today, being all strict with the juniors and practicing until this late. That's not like you, tell me what's wrong."

Kiyoomi stared at the sole of his shoes and remained quiet. He should have known that there was no fooling Motoya. 

"Everything okay at home?"

Kiyoomi cocked his head to his dearest friend and cousin. "Yeah... yeah, everything's fine."

"Not everything." Motoya paused to think for a few seconds. "Is it because of... Iizuna-san?"

Hearing the name flicked something inside Kiyoomi's chest. A lighter, perhaps—one that's ready to burn everything in its surroundings and leave a mountain of ashes.

"You saw the post too, didn't you? And you still have feelings for him."

Kiyoomi shut his eyes and brought his hands to his damp hair. He clutched onto the strands tightly, wanting to pull all of them out from their roots along with his frustrations building inside.

"You can talk to me about it, Kiyoomi. I know that it's not easy to move on just like that especially—"

"Stop," Kiyoomi cut him off, "shut up, it's stupid. This is stupid."

"W- what? No. No, it's not stupid."

"Yes, it is, Motoya."

"No, it's not. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that your feelings aren't stupid, Kiyoomi?"

Kiyoomi looked away, he didn't even notice how his fingers were already nervously picking the dry skin around his nails. He could feel the thorns prickling inside his throat. The small space was slowly closing in, and he fought back the tears that were already threatening to spill.

"Stupid," he muttered, "I'm stupid. I never had any chance, I was hopeless since the very beginning."

Kiyoomi closed his eyes and felt a reassuring hand rubbing careful motions on his back.

"I hate this, Motoya. I hate this so much," Kiyoomi whispered as he felt a single tear sliding down his damp cheeks.

"It's okay."

More tears came until Kiyoomi couldn't hold back the ugly sounds of choking on breaths and sobbing anymore. He felt nothing but disgust for himself and all his stupidity. _Who was he?_ He was never anything more than a friend, or worse, a junior. He knew that, and still, he couldn't stop feeling the way he did.

"Don't worry, Kiyoomi. You'll get over him. It may take a while, but you'll forget about him in the end, okay? Then you'll find someone better, someone, who will return your feelings and take good care of you."

 _That's right._ These feelings weren't permanent—they would disappear and change along with the seasons. They would be replaced with something else, it could be something better or something worse. The only thing he could do is prepare his fragile heart for both.

He knew that.

_He knew that._

But still, it was hard to shake the feeling away.

Kiyoomi didn't want a new love or replacement. He wanted to be with Iizuna Tsukasa—someone he didn't have, and never would have.

**Author's Note:**

> hello again !!! thank you for reading up until the end !!! itachiyama boys wouldn't leave my mind so again, this is the product.
> 
> if there are any content warnings you think i should add, please do tell me !
> 
> feel free to leave your thoughts down below :) and come cry with me on twitter, I am here -> [@atsukiyoo](https://twitter.com/atsukiyoo)


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